Frustration

Awhile back, I found out that my then fiance was e-mailing girls through Craigslist looking for a hookup. I was floored, hurt, and thrown into a whirlwind of emotions. I'm still unsure of what to do. About a month before that, we had had a major blow up, called off our wedding, and considered calling it quits. I got offered a job and a fresh start in another state, but because I still loved him, I stayed. He told me that he did not want me to go and that we would make things work.... and I fell for it. Things went back to the routine, but I never put my ring back on. The thought of getting married just a few months after we "called it quits" seemed like a stupid idea to me! I thought things were going well and that we were happy, but apparently I was wrong. I was using his phone one day when an email came in offering sex.... I was floored and hurt, but said nothing. Then I got drunk one night and let it slip that I knew about it. He did not have the chance to respond as we were out with friends, and it was not brought up again until about a week later. I had gone out without him and had way too much to drink and expressed to him my hurt and disgust that he could betray me like this. He apologized, and it has not been brought up again, but I cannot stand for him to touch me now. It repulses me. I was offered the job out of state again yesterday, but I turned it down again. I love him... I love our friends.... I am mostly happy with my life, I just don't know how to handel all this. Obviously he does not care about me as much as I care about him. And that is leaving me feeling hurt, worthless, and very insecure. I gotta find the out, but I don't know where to start looking. I am trying to forgive him and believe that it won't happen again, but I am struggeling. And its killing me.

On my mind

So this week I have seriously struggled with my weight loss goals. I have been saying that I was going to start eating right, start working out, and all that goes along with that since the begining of the year. A month and a half later, I had yet to do it. So Monday, I decided I was just going to stop eating entirely. Which I did, for about 2 days. Then I went out, got rip roaring wasted and ended up terribly sick because there was no food in my belly. In the process, I also revealed to my boyfriend that I had stopped eating. The next day, I had to call into work, not because I was hungover but because there was so much pressure and drainage in my head that I could not focus. I went to the doctor and have an ear infection, a sinus infection, and strep. (Fricken awesome, right) So I have spent the last 2 days at home, sick, under the eye of my boyfriend. He has been making sure I eat before he goes to work. I feel like I have betrayed my body. I did so well the first 2 days and really felt like I had a good go at this. Now when I go back to work tomorrow, I am going to have to start all over again. I am so tired of being fat, that I am to the point that I am disgusted. With my body, and with myself every time I eat. I have to change this, and right now, this is the only way I know how.